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A COMPENDIUM OF WRITING DEMONS

7/3/2013

14 Comments

 
In the coming week I'll be working on a big editing pass of my entire epic-length work-in-progress, so I spent the past week preparing for the onslaught of demons I'll face while editing. 

You may think this is a clever way of saying I sat back and watched re-runs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer while drinking iced tea and eating bon bons, but you'd be incorrect.  My writing demons are real and plentiful, and there's no telling who may show up or what chaos they'll bring.  Preparing for their Armageddon-esque attack is not to be taken lightly. 

To give you an idea of what I've been working on, I provide you with this "demon compendium" of sorts, complete with my plans for how to fight off each of the nasty buggers.  Enjoy!

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DEMON:
Aunt Fay, the demon house-guest of fatalism

MOTTO:
Que sera, sera
(which she says means "no matter how hard you try, you're still going to fail")

DEFENSE:
Optimism, coffee, idealism, and a little faith for good measure
If all else fails, smoke a cigar (at least that's what Uncle Vex swears by).

Picture
DEMON:
Uncle Vex (Aunt Fay's Ex-husband)

MOTTO:
aggravate, agitate, anger, annoy, chafe, depress, displease, embarrass, exasperate,
gall, get in one's hair, get under one's skin, grate on, harass, harry, hassle, infuriate,
irk, irritate, needle, nettle, peeve, pester, plague, rile, tease, tick off, and torment
(Aunt Fay told him this didn't qualify as a motto and would never catch on, but he wouldn't listen.  It was the primary reason for their divorce.  That and the cigars.)

DEFENSE:
Calamine lotion, reggae music, and chamomile tea
If all else fails, have these administered by Aunt Fay.

Picture


ENTER
AT
YOUR
OWN
RISK


DEMON:
Google, the ultimate demon of distraction
AKA Gateway to the Rabbit Hole of Research

MOTTO:
Come on, you know you want to.

DEFENSE:
I got nuthin.  This one always beats me. 
Help me out here?


DEMON:
Harpy, the demon of perfectionism

MOTTO:
It's not good enough. 
It's never good enough. 
Can't you hear me? 
I said, IT WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH!

DEFENSE:
A formidable mentor who's armed with his own motto:
Perfect is the enemy of the good.

When that doesn't work I cry, which doesn't sound like much of a defense, but it serves its purpose:
Harpy can't stand crying (as you might imagine just from looking at her), so sometimes she leaves me alone for awhile and goes to hang out with my mentor instead.


Picture
Picture
DEMON:
eMAL, the demon of e-mail

MOTTO:
You can't do just one.

DEFENSE:
Just say no.  (Granted this doesn't always work for me.)

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DEMON:
Davy Jones, the demon of Facebook

MOTTO:
I'll drag you under and hold you there.  You'll love it down here, Matey.  Argh.

DEFENSE:
Stay off Facebook.  He can't get you if you stay out of the water. 
And get some big water-wings, just in case.

Picture
DEMONS:
Mabel & Ethel, the telephone landline demons

MOTTO:
Call your mother.  She worries.

DEFENSE:
Unplug the phone. 

Note to self:  tell Mom first. 
You think I'm kidding?  Mabel & Ethel aren't really that scary, but you don't want Mom to think you're not answering the phone because you took out the trash at night by yourself and you slipped and broke your ankle and fell into a drainage ditch and are at that very moment being eaten by a bear.  Trust me on this.  I've been there.  When Mom's worried, she's a hellova lot more intimidating than Mabel & Ethel AND the bear.  Combined.

DEMON:
Not a demon.  An actual bear. 

This photo was taken in my neighborhood. 
And I've been known to take out the trash by myself on occasion. 

Don't judge my mom.
Picture
Picture
DEMON:
Snickerdoodle, the sweet demon of procrastination

MOTTO:
You’ve already blown it for today, might as well put it off until tomorrow.

DEFENSE:
A 12-step program that includes establishing goals, making lists, setting timers, prioritizing, earning rewards, channeling Popeye, and using lots of Post-it Notes to plaster reminders and threats all over my workspace.


Picture
DEMON:
Junk food and other delicious treats that facilitate avoidance of editing

MOTTO:
Eat me!

DEFENSE:
There is no defense.  If junky snacks are anywhere in my vicinity, I will find them.  It does not matter if they're hidden.  When I'm editing, I track junk food like a bloodhound on a scent.  Candy stands no chance.  Ice cream?  Gone in the first day.  Cookies never even make it home from the store -- they're devoured in the car.  By the end of the week I'm dipping pickles in strawberry jam and drinking Hershey's syrup out of the bottle.  Snack foods hear this:  resistance is futile; you will be assimilated.

Picture
DEMON:
Heartburn.  Not the demon of anger or bitterness or regret.
Actual heartburn from all the snack foods and snickerdoodles.

MOTTO:
It burns!  It burns!

DEFENSE:
Antacids
(Were you expecting something clever?  What do you use against heartburn, a mantra?)

Picture
DEMON:
Creepy Doll Sitting on Typewriter

MOTTO:
You're not really a writer.  Let's play!

DEFENSE:
1. Don't ever let something like this in the front door.

2. If it somehow gets in and asks to play, run.

3. Stop watching scary movies about creepy dolls.

4. If you wake up in the morning and find an unfamiliar note in an old typewriter, run.

5. Keep a shoebox and duct tape handy, just in case.

Picture
DEMON:
Insidious Sam, the sneaky, poisonous demon of worry
(magnified 100x)

MOTTO:
Uh oh...
Have you thought of that?
Did you prepare well enough?
Are you sure?
If it can go wrong, it will.
Bad things do happen to good people.
I don't know...

DEFENSE:
Worry dolls and a healthy dose of denial
(and maybe a little Jack and Coke, if you must know)

Picture
DEMON:
Butt-ugly

MOTTO:
Your baby isn't really beautiful.  You just think it is.

DEFENSE:
La-la-la-la-la (said with fingers in the ears)

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DEMON:
Spike, the nay-sayer

MOTTO:
Everything you write sucks.

NOTE:
Spike isn't really MY demon.  He belongs to my friend Bonnie.  But you never know who might show up during Editing Week.  It's like New York Fashion Week, but for writing demons.  Better be prepared to deal with crashers and wannabes. 

DEFENSE:
Bruce Willis in his most intimidating Bouncer mode. 
You always need a good bouncer, especially during Fashion Week. 
And Editing Week. 
And Shark Week.

Picture
DEMON:
Joe-Kid, a hungry, lonely, needy child looking for his mommy

Oops.  Correction.  That's not a demon, that's one of my ducks. 
Please strike this from the official record.

(Confused?  See the blog post THE DUCK THAT BROKE THE CAMEL'S BACK from May 22nd of this year.  Then you'll understand.)

DEMON:
Colorful-sparkly-confetti-celebratory-parade-man
AKA the demon of temptation

MOTTO:
Shiny!

DEFENSE:
The best defense against temptation is to put earplugs in and keep your eyes shut.  But that would make editing exceedingly difficult.  So instead I've asked my children to hide the remote controls and the car keys, I've closed all the curtains, locked up my books, and put blinders on.  That should work...
at least until the terrifying space monkeys arrive.

Picture



Picture
DEMON:
Kakorrhaphiophobia, the demon of fear

MOTTO:
Whoever said "There's nothing to fear but fear itself" has not met my brother, Terror

DEFENSE:
Anti-demon spray, and powder, and gel
Citronella candles
Dream-catchers
Protection spells
A three-legged guard dog
Lucky charms, four-leaf clovers and rabbits' feet
Knowlege
Meditations and affirmations
Nightlights
A strong perimeter
Pretty flowers
My handy-dandy Harry Potter replica wand and a Riddikulus incantation

Picture
DEMON:
Bruce Willis

MOTTO:
Old habits die hard.
or
Yippee-ki-yay, mother-fracker

DEFENSE:
None.  I'm convinced Bruce-baby is on my side.  My tenacious hold on my binge-writing habits will serve me well in the coming demon apocalypse.  I've got him on speed-dial.  On my cell phone.
Hear that, Mabel and Ethel? Cell phone.

Picture
DEMON:
This is no demon.  This is me after Editing Week. 
Yes, I realize I bear a striking resemblance to Kakorr's brother, Terror.
It could be unfortunate for you if you were to bring that up again.
14 Comments
Jennifer Lovett Herbranson link
7/3/2013 06:32:07 pm

Excellent post Chris! My writing demons are very similar: Facebook, Twitter, Email, Text messages, food, sunshine, television, a book, a noise, the wind. Whatever. But I have found a great way to escape the internet. I installed Self Control on my Mac and it will shut that thing down for HOURS! While it's annoying when I want to research, JT Evans' method of [tk] works very well. Type it in and move on. So, I'm moving on Sister...to actually write something besides a blog, a tweet or a FB post.

Reply
Kristi Lloyd
7/3/2013 11:16:48 pm

This was so much fun to read, Chris! I too have similar demons. My daughter has one of those creepy dolls. I'm conviniced the doll is on my side though, more of a mascot than a demon. If I would have had a doll like that when I was little, I wouldn't have felt so different with the whole vampire thing!

Reply
Jennie Marts link
7/3/2013 11:31:39 pm

Great post, Chris! I have a few (most) of those demons in my writing life as well! And I agree with the one about finding an anonymous note in your typewriter (although who still has a typewriter? :) ) good policy in general to run away from creepy dolls! Good luck with your edits! :)

Reply
Chris Mandeville
7/5/2013 03:35:49 am

Actually *I* have one of those old typewriters. It sits waaaay up high on a shelf in my office as decoration/inspiration. If I ever see a note in it, I will FREAK out. I really hope my demons and my kids don't bother to read my blog...

Reply
F. P. Dorchak link
7/4/2013 12:40:05 am

Geeeze, Chris, you got issues. Ever consider an exorcism...or three? :-]

Reply
Chris Mandeville link
7/5/2013 03:31:20 am

Bruce and I are working on it.

Reply
Mardra link
7/6/2013 06:48:20 am

Ahhh, all of the demons together at last. Writing demons are sneaky tricky creatures and I wish they didn't shape-shift into unintentional vehicles like, say, my parents. Sigh.
I know I'm not alone on this, I recall a Delve chat with much understanding of the Demon we call "Dad."

Reply
Todd
7/6/2013 11:13:34 pm

Chris, this is awesome! Love all the demons and their pictures. Wow. You are battling a horde all the time.

Reply
Jason P. Henry link
7/9/2013 03:31:53 am

This was awesome!! I am pretty sure Aunt Fay sits on my right shoulder and The Harpy on the left. They are like relentless cockroaches... every time I flick them away they scurry right back up!! May need to call the Orchin Man.

Reply
MK Meredith link
7/10/2013 11:14:03 am

This is awesome. I have my share of demons...keeping them in line is a lot of work. Thanks for giving me such fun to read!

Reply
Meghan Williams
7/10/2013 01:34:44 pm

Hahaha, I think my "favorite" is Butt-ugly. I get a bad case of over-editing whenever Butt-ugly rears his head, that's for sure. Thanks for sharing, Chris! This was hilarious.

Reply
Chris Mandeville
7/17/2013 11:01:40 am

I know, right? No one likes to hear that their baby is ugly! Do you say "la la la la la" with your fingers in your ears too?

Reply
Evelyn Dotson link
10/5/2013 07:10:01 am

I was suffering from debilitating fear until I saw how much worse your demons were than mine.Thanks for shinning the light on those cockroaches.Whew!

Reply
Bianca the Baker link
12/6/2020 06:12:55 pm

Thanks, great post.

Reply



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    Chris Mandeville is the president of Delve Writing and a writer of "new adult" novels and a non-fiction project for writers. 

    This is the chronicle of her journey to define and achieve her writing goals.

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